I’m not really sure what to say about this
one. I’ve surely never been this shocked
by a workshop story. It’s not a positive
shock though, it’s certainly a disgusted and surprised kind. This story left me wondering why anyone would
go about forming this plot. A lot of the
writing wasn’t bad but everything was overwhelmed by the events of the story.
Specifically, I have no issue with reading
about men having relations with each other; so the idea that I don’t like the
story because I’m a homophobe can quickly be dispelled. The handling of the material is entirely
offensive and this is from a person who’s not easily offended. The narrator’s choice of words and ways of describing
things lead the reader to believe that none of the subject matter was taken
seriously. A few examples include:
“grabbing his manhood and taking in a mouthful of gratification for them both,”
“his boxers instantaneously soaked in greasy fluids from a throbbing
member.” I could go on but I won’t. This sounds like something out of Penthouse
Letters (yes I’ve read Penthouse Letters before).
The writer seems to have a real problem
with tone also. Several bits of dialogue
are punctuated oddly with exclamations or question marks where they clearly
don’t belong. For example, “Is this what
you want!” People don’t yell at each
other when they are having foreplay, nor do they yell when asking a
question.
The ending of this piece just flabbergasted
me. Not only did he have sex with his
fiancé’s father but he got HIV from him?
In what world do symptoms of HIV occur immediately? And I won’t even mention the toilet
scene. There’s so many things wrong with
this story that I’m going to have to stop here.
My suggestions would be either to tone down the language or just change
the subject matter all together.
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